Hurry Up and Wait

"Hurry up and wait. This is a phrase familiar to every military household. The Army teaches us to be prepared for anything, to show up on time when asked, but to be flexible in the moment to the needs of the Army. It means we show up without a guarantee that this is the schedule, location or appointment the Army will commit to." (Hope N. Griffin, The Middle Places blog) 

So it's been a long time since my last update (apologies about that), and we've had many twists and turns in our surrogacy journey. Not to mention the thousands upon thousands of steps chasing the active and lovable toddler that baby girl has become. It's so much fun being her momma, and I don't think I've ever had to do so little to make sure I exercise. She's like my own personal fitness class instructor as I run around the house everyday. Her kindness and laughter are infectious as well and we love living in a house that's filled with baby giggles. 

We had our evaluations in November right after my birthday, and in January I found out that the surrogate we had been working with wasn't approved to move forward by our RE. It was very sad and disheartening, and frankly came out of nowhere, as it had been our understanding that the hubby and I wouldn't have had our part of the evaluation if she hadn't passed hers. Apparently the final decision rested with our own doctor and she had concerns (which with HIPPA we couldn't know specifics) and with her experience and wisdom, told us we needed to find another carrier. I was pretty upset because we thought we were going to possibly have a transfer in March/April and this meant going back to square one...

When we started this journey, I threw myself into researching every single aspect of the entire process and joined a bunch of groups to meet other people in this process, including many surrogates, so that I could learn as much as possible. Through that, I have become very close friends with two women who were surrogates with an agency. Their friendship has become very dear to me and it has been so nice to be able to pick their brains on the view from their side of the street. It's also just been nice to have some other friends who understand what some of this stuff is like, and then to move beyond being friends solely "in the surrogacy community" to just friends sharing life stuff and the journey at large.  

One of these women delivered her first surrobaby in January, and after hearing about the failed clearance from our RE, graciously offered to carry for us. Hubby and I are immensely humbled. To top it all off, she is a fellow Texan and is moving to Tennessee this summer. I feel like I won the lottery - someone who gets all my crazy Texas inside jokes (and is obsessed with queso and tortillas as much as I am) but will also be within a couple hours so we can actively participate in the hopeful pregnancy and stay close afterward!  

Our RE requires a year between pregnancies so since she so recently delivered, we have to wait until this fall to go through medical clearance and contracts, but barring unexpected circumstances, I feel confident this is it. I'm so grateful - we wanted someone who could be "Aunt X" and friends for life, and we're going to be able to have that. As someone said to me one time, "the more people that love your kids, the better" and it feels like through this surrogacy journey, we're expanding our family in more ways than one.  

'Tis the Season for Hope and Healing

It's been awhile since I've had a chance to blog, and honestly I feel kind of guilty of that because I promised myself when I started this thing that I wanted it to be a place that I regularly wrote down my thoughts about this whole journey. My hope is that if we succeed that this entire blog can be something for said child to look back on, to learn their birth story, and their journey into being.

That all said, it's that magical time of year when there seems to be 50 hours of things to get done in a 24 hour period and frankly, this ball just got dropped. I absolutely adore the holidays and everything that goes with it. One of the things that bonded me to the hubby was that we were both holiday geeks. We love the imagery, the sentimentality, and all the traditions. Yet, we always tend to be way more busy this time of year than we ever intend, most of our own doing because of all the things we like to do to celebrate.

My parents moved to live closer to us at the end of October so it was a wonderful thing to get to host Thanksgiving this year and spend time creating new holiday members in our home with baby girl. It was also really nice to have a day of calm - cooking duties were split among those coming for dinner, and we had a good, stress-free morning watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and playing with baby girl's new Fisher-Price Little People Nativity set. It was relaxing, it was rejuvenating, and it was spirit-fulfilling. I wish all of our holidays could be exactly like that.

The farther we get into this journey, the more grateful I am to have come out of everything last year in one piece and with baby girl healthy and happy. In the early days, I had a harder time coming up with a gratitude list but did it anyway so as to remain focused on what was really important. We have so much to be grateful for, and I feel like in this season, wounds and grief can be magnified, as the sentimentality of this time of year weighs bittersweet on us all. One of the people I always think of this time of year is my Grandma. Christmas just wasn't Christmas without Grandma making her bourbon balls and she would make them alongside my sister and I when we were working on other Christmas cookies. Grandma was a Kentucky girl through and through, and we were never allowed to eat the bourbon balls as children and now that I have the recipe I know why - they are soaked in bourbon, a good cupful, and never cooked!

Grandma would have been 100 on November 6, 2015. She died shortly after Thanksgiving in 2009, three weeks after her 90th birthday. The last time I spoke to her, on her birthday that year, I was so pleased that she knew who I was as she had been suffering from Alzheimer's and had not been super clear on everybody anymore. But she remembered me that day when I wished her a Happy 90th. She asked me how college was and told me she loved me. I'm so glad I called and that we had that moment together. (Another example of those many "carpe diem" opportunities I seem to have these days.)

November 6, 2015 would have been Grandma's 100th and also it was the day of my hysterectomy. As silly and superstitious as it may seem, when they took me back for surgery, I had hoped that Grandma might somehow intervene from Heaven and make sure that everything would be ok. When I awoke the next morning and learned what happened, I was devastated and honestly, a little disappointed - I felt like Grandma had let me down. A year later though, I feel like Grandma may have intervened after all. I made it out of the surgery with the left ovary completely healthy and untouched. That fact alone has kept me out of menopause and also gave us the opportunity for the successful egg retrieval. The hope for surrogacy is there because of that. But more than that, I made it out alive- period. That infection was so bad, I think if we had let it go much longer, it would have probably taken me with it and that fact is hauntingly humbling.

I can't imagine baby girl growing up without really ever getting to know her mom. I physically hurt over the thought of not being here to see her grow up. I am so grateful every day that I get to make memories with my husband and our sweet daughter, memories that are now making new holiday traditions, and ones I hope that baby girl will remember and cherish. It's cliche to say, but after a near-death experience, everything seems to be more precious. I cried seeing Santa Claus arrive in Harold Square this year, I cried setting up the Christmas Tree, I've cried each Sunday seeing the Advent candles lit, and I've cried thinking about the excitement and anticipation the season brings and seeing it in baby girl's awestruck eyes. I don't think in my life that I've ever cried as many tears of joy as I have in the past year, over so many milestones and so many memories that I am so grateful to have. So many tears that have expressed a gratitude that I couldn't have comprehended.

Jesus came to the world as a baby. In my opinion, there is no other way to have come as something more innocent, more humbling, and more vulnerable. There is nothing that more represents divine and unconditional love. The preparation that happens during Advent for me this year has taken on a new meaning, because I am opening myself to what "the baby Jesus" now represents for me: the barriers that knocks down, the challenges that presents, and the risks that His birth invites me to take. I feel called to be vulnerable now in a way I never felt before. I feel called to love now in a way that I don't know I ever knew I could love. 'Tis the Season for Hope and Healing. And love. Glorious, unconditional, soul-fulfilling love. I am finding that I am experiencing all of them simultaneously this year and I pray that each and everyone of you finds them in whatever your own journey may be.

On to the Next Step

My husband and I traveled to West Tennessee this past Monday to meet with the psychologist for our psychological evaluation. Before we can move onto the clinic for the medical evaluation, the psychological evaluation must be completed by both parties. Our potential surrogate and her husband met with the doctor the prior week, so it was perfect timing.  

The entire appointment lasted 2.5 hours long and was the most emotionally draining experience I have had in a long time as we sat discussing all aspects of surrogacy (the good, the bad, and the terrifyingly ugly) and dissecting my medical crisis last year and all the stress that has resulted from that on our marriage. The doctor asked many pointed questions of both of us, evaluated our entire medical and family histories, and took what seemed to be an entire legal pad's worth of notes. She seemed particularly focused on making sure that we understood the importance of boundaries in the whole process and seemed relieved that my husband and I were in constant contact with our attorney. This process can be so beautiful and then apparently can become quite complicated if it is not revered and pursued with caution and intention. I left feeling emboldened that we have not been lax in our approach to this entire process and that we are definitely following God's will for us in our life. As luck would have it, 3 times that day we encountered the boy's name I talked about in a prior post again. Continuing to think that might be a sign we're headed in the right direction. The fact that it was the day after my 30th birthday didn't hurt either for that extra bit of hope. 

After the appointment we had a chance to meet our potential surrogate in person! She was really lovely and was just like all the times we have spoken prior. I was so grateful it wasn't awkward and we continue to be in awe that she is willing to do this for us. The psychologist said we'd have her report within two weeks so barring unforseen issues (I hope and believe we all passed!),  we're looking to set up the medical evaluation for right after the first of the year and keeping our fingers crossed for a hopeful transfer sometime early next spring. Bring on the next step. 

The tension between resiliency and tragedy

This past Sunday, November 6, marked one year since the hysterectomy.  I'm proud to say that the physical wound has healed and I am back in my pre-pregnancy jeans, not as easy of a feat as I had anticipated having a higher than normal scar (zippers are seriously overrated; why did we ever move from elastic?!)

I have been doing my best to give myself time to grieve and time to process and hadn't really known what to expect my emotions to be like. I experienced muscle memory and my scar hurt for the first time in a long time. I'll also be honest and say I've been more irritable than normal lately. I recognize that the grief and devastation of this past year are not going away overnight, emotional and spiritual healing has its own timetable separate from physical recovery. I just hope that as the years come and go, the sting will be less and less and the grief will be balanced by ever growing gratitude and healing. I have learned that grieving is messy, it's not a straight line, and more than anything it seems to come and go, sometimes hitting you when you least expect it and sometimes surprising you that it's not as intense when you think it will be. 

I heard a phrase on the radio a few months ago that I thought exhibited this awkward place I currently exist in perfectly: the tension between resiliency and tragedy. The resiliency of the last year has been sometimes joyous and sometimes discouraging. My beautiful daughter has gone from the a tiny, swaddled newborn into the running toddler in front of my eyes in this one year and the willingness I have every day to continue to get up and go forward is deeply inspired by her and all the love and dreams we have for her. 

I believe the resiliency has shown itself in our pursuit of surrogacy. In the midst of the immense grief last year, I would be amazed to know that one year forward not only do I have embryos banked from a successful egg harvest, but our potential surrogate goes this coming Friday for her psychological evaluation and we meet with the psychologist early next week to do ours. If all goes well we are hopeful for a medical evaluation after Thanksgiving and hopefully an embryo transfer in just a few short months. 

On the other hand, the tragedy for me is that it took me a lot longer to have the incision heal than anyone had originally expected, even though I was using a wound vac. My hormones have only recently seemed to completely settle down to more of a normal pattern and November 6 was also the first time in a year that I could comfortably sleep under our duvet without feeling overheated, whereas prior to this whole ordeal I was constantly and irrevocably cold all the time. I'm also learning that it takes at least a year to recover from pregnancy in general without the complications I endured on top of it. 

I still feel a lot of guilt and some fear and shame - feelings of failure to my family and even some thoughts that make me question my identity as a woman. My womanhood has been bruised and battered and something that I used to take for granted, my womb, I have had to admit I mourn and placed value and worth within, even unconsciously and unintentionally. 

On a string instrument, the strings must be tightened to a specific degree to be able to play in key and in harmony with the other strings. If the tension is not right, they will not vibrate and resound properly and as such do not play beautiful music, but often play flat or sharp or even snap into pieces. My hope on this anniversary is that my journey in healing can be like that string - stretched, but not too tightly to break, and given enough room to move so I can make beautiful music of my own. The music I make is that tension between resiliency and tragedy. 

Happy First Birthday, Baby Girl!

Dearest Baby Girl,

Today you are 1 year old. This past year has gone by faster than we could have ever imagined and we want to tell you how much we love you and how honored we are every day that we get to be your parents. You are the best of both of us and we are so proud to call you our beloved daughter.

We know that you don't know any different, because you don't have anything to compare it to, but we're sorry that the first few months of your precious life on Earth were so stressful and chaotic. We rotated between being over the moon in love and filled with joy over you and in deep stages of grief. Mommy did especially and she is sorry the she was unable to care for you in the ways she had anticipated and expected to in those first few weeks. Thank you for being the amazing, flexible little person you are and just rolling with the punches. We are so grateful for your laid back attitude and especially appreciated how much you let mommy rest and heal. Thank you for just being you. Thank you for the smiles on days when skies were gray and thank you for the cries that kept us grounded.

In the past year, you have learned to roll over, sit up, crawl, pull up, stand up, and now walk and run. You are saying your first words and expressing more and more of your unique personality. You are so kindhearted and intelligent, and just the happiest and most precocious child. Your smiles are truly like sunshine. We adore watching you engage with the world around you, the inquisitiveness of every action you take, and love getting to see the world through your eyes for it becomes new again for us too. Life is so much fun with you and we can't imagine it now any other way.

We both cannot wait to continue to see you grow into the wonderful person you are becoming. We love you so much, sweetheart.

XOXO,
Mommy and Daddy

I Saw The Sign

At critical times in my life, my faith has led me to believe that I have been given signs of what path I was to take, particularly when it came to making fork in the road decisions. The most recent example of this was when I chose to leave my last desk job in 2013 to focus full time on my side business. After feeling like it was time for a career change for awhile, I asked friends to help me pray for discernment. Not 24 hours after this request, I had an offer of contract work on the table that allowed me to maintain the financial security that I had with my desk job, but work full time from my other office. Needless to say I put in my notice and have been gratefully and joyfully self-employed ever since. That one step led the way for us starting our family. I say this because lately I have been experiencing something that has given me some pause and occasionally goose bumps.  For the past month or so, my husband and I keep having instances where we see everywhere the boy's name (which per the Social Security Index is not a very common one) we had picked out if baby girl had been a boy and would love to use for a male sibling for baby girl. 

It started on the morning of our anniversary. More than once that day we ended up on "Boy's Name Street", even when the address of whatever we were looking for was not supposed to intersect that street based on our maps. Since then I have learned there is a boy in baby girl's upcoming day school class with the name, it is the new hometown of a dear friend who recently moved, and my father during a recent conversation mentioned an acquaintance that he hadn't thought about in years with the same name, randomly and out of the blue.

I know that a lot of things can be coincidence and I know not many people believe in these sorts of things or just consider them seeing what we want to see. Yet, for me, I can't shake that "twilight zone" theme feeling about this. I have heard friends for example talk about butterflies or a type of bird being a sign for them that a loved one that has died is there with them, or a specific time of day being of significance to them. I have never personally experienced something of this nature that I can remember. My belief in signs was more in the "answer to a question" form where I have felt spiritually guided to a decision. In fact, we have felt that way about pursuing surrogacy. So far, it has felt like that is the path we are to take as God's will for us. This experience with the boy's name has been different and has a made my heart skip a little.

Husband and I chose not to PGS/PGD test our embryos. This decision was made for multiple reasons but because of that, we do not know the genders of the 4 embryos the we have at the clinic. I like that if we succeed in this surrogacy journey, we will find out the gender just like we did with baby girl and that it will be a surprise. Further, we have no preference of gender either. We just want a healthy baby. This last month or so though, as this has continued to just keep randomly happening, I can't help but wonder...what if? God, you have my attention. 

Have Patience, Have Patience

We recently got our playroom/office fully organized for baby girl to use as well as to have a desk for husband and I to do work or crafts. It was such a relief to finally get that room in order as it had been a mess for awhile. Our downstairs flooded in 2013 after a pipe burst at the front of the house and we ended up having to remodel our entire first floor. In the hasty aftermath, things ended up all over the house as we tried to get our things out of the way of the water and a bunch of small stuff was misplaced in the chaos. In the process of getting this room back together, I located my choir binder from that year. Inside was a copy of the music to the musical, "Music Machine". We had the children's choirs perform it in the spring of 2012 and it was way overdue to take back to our church's music library. 

The "Music Machine" is a children's musical about the Fruits of the Spirit, and as a child, I had learned the song "Patience" in Sunday School even though I hadn't heard any of the other songs. "Patience" is a song about the wise Herbert the Snail and the chorus is quite catchy and goes:

Have patience, have patience

Don't be in such a hurry

When you get impatient, you only start to worry

Remember, remember that God is patient, too

And think of all the times when others have to wait for you

This is where I feel like we are in our surrogacy journey. We are still working on screenings with our potential GC. I located a therapist today for the psychological evaluation near where she lives, and we're making the appointments for the in-person medical screening at our clinic. The months leading up to my egg retrieval seemed to both simultaneously fly by as baby girl got bigger and dragged on as I was anxious to get the embryos made. Now that they are done, we are ready to hopefully have a transfer soon, soon being within the next 6 months or so. Before all this happened, I never would have thought we'd want another child so quickly and we'd plan to start trying again when baby girl was 18 months. In fact, after my c-section and before the hysterectomy, they told me we would need to wait at least 3 years for another so my J-incision could heal fully and I was totally on board with that at the time.  Baby girl is exactly 11 months today, and we're ready for her to have a sibling. Perhaps its because we have now invested so much in researching all of this or perhaps it's because we actually have embryos stored, or like I read somewhere "totsicles" waiting for us. So much of this seems like hurry up and wait, and I am just ready to get this show on the road. I know it has to be done in a certain order, and on a certain timeline, but frankly, I'm doing my best to remember the words of Herbert the Wise, even if it's a reminder I need daily. 

*The chorus is likely to be stuck in your head for the rest of the day 😉*