Surrogacy?

Surrogacy. It's crazy how in the moment when trauma is occurring something that at once seemed so foreign becomes a lifeboat. I had a week between my delivery and the hysterectomy. I can remember one of the doctors coming in while I was fighting the sepsis infection and telling me that I was his sickest patient in the maternity ward that night. I can remember him telling me that they thought the source of the infection was still my uterus and that if I didn't get better I would have to have it removed. I remember asking him questions about would they take my ovaries and what would that mean. He was the first to mention the word "surrogacy" and from there it was like a lifeline I held onto after I learned that the worst had been realized a few days later.

I haven't known where to begin. In the weeks and months that have followed, husband and I have been open to sharing our story and our journey with our friends and family. We have felt like only by owning it publicly could we fully heal. I'm not good with keeping things from those that I love the most, and even though infertility is the most painful thing I have ever been through, I cannot imagine doing this alone. I also can't imagine doing it without an amazing group of anonymous online support such as the amazing women on Baby Center and a few Facebook surrogacy groups. I have learned so much about the process from them, and they have given me insight into what this will and should really look like. 

Hubby always makes fun of me but I always do my research. Whether we are buying a car, a carseat, or a can of paint, I am always one to read about 1000 reviews, check for competitive pricing, and make sure that whatever it is has the consumer reports seal of approval. This has been no different. The hysterectomy that I had was considered a radical one. It ended up having to be performed by a gynecological oncologist. I knew that because it was drastic there was a chance that my left ovary would decide it didn't want to work anymore and just retire. I began to read everything I could and research as much as I could as to what we were really dealing with. We had bloodwork to check my AMH levels 5 weeks after and the news wasn't good. AMH was 0.2, basically undetectable. We went to Emory down in Atlanta in January of this year and met with their infertility clinic. I was told to not wait and that they thought I could succeed but that we might be racing against the clock. I came back wondering if I'd only had one functioning ovary and had no idea all this time. At the suggestion of MFM Angel, we met with Vanderbilt's new RE doctor who seemed a little bit less concerned about the AMH level but still told me not to put things off more than 6 months. Her clinic wasn't to open until the end of April so I had time to fully get off the wound vac and then begin.

February came and went. March came and went. Then April arrived and with it, the worst hormonal week of my entire life. I was sure that I was going into menopause and we hadn't had a chance to do an egg harvest. It was awful. MFM Angel encouraged me to check in with my normal gynecologist and gratefully she ran a hormonal bloodwork panel. By the grace of God, everything was normal. I was told it was my cycle restarting after ending breastfeeding. I had no idea of that though because of the hysterectomy, and I wondered why don't more people tell pregnant women what all of this is REALLY like?! I know we don't want to scare women unnecessarily but I truly thought that was the beginning of the end. 

April came and went and the clinic wasn't ready to open. In May, I began to experience symptoms again that were concerning and spoke to my gynecologist again. She informed the RE and RE ran initial bloodwork. I was shocked when all levels, including my AMH, came back perfectly normal. AMH had gone from 0.2 in December to a much better 5.9 in May. I felt like we'd been given a presidential pardon and I wasn't on death row anymore. 

Maybe this surrogacy thing might be a possibility after all. I still had my lifeboat.