Have Patience, Have Patience

We recently got our playroom/office fully organized for baby girl to use as well as to have a desk for husband and I to do work or crafts. It was such a relief to finally get that room in order as it had been a mess for awhile. Our downstairs flooded in 2013 after a pipe burst at the front of the house and we ended up having to remodel our entire first floor. In the hasty aftermath, things ended up all over the house as we tried to get our things out of the way of the water and a bunch of small stuff was misplaced in the chaos. In the process of getting this room back together, I located my choir binder from that year. Inside was a copy of the music to the musical, "Music Machine". We had the children's choirs perform it in the spring of 2012 and it was way overdue to take back to our church's music library. 

The "Music Machine" is a children's musical about the Fruits of the Spirit, and as a child, I had learned the song "Patience" in Sunday School even though I hadn't heard any of the other songs. "Patience" is a song about the wise Herbert the Snail and the chorus is quite catchy and goes:

Have patience, have patience

Don't be in such a hurry

When you get impatient, you only start to worry

Remember, remember that God is patient, too

And think of all the times when others have to wait for you

This is where I feel like we are in our surrogacy journey. We are still working on screenings with our potential GC. I located a therapist today for the psychological evaluation near where she lives, and we're making the appointments for the in-person medical screening at our clinic. The months leading up to my egg retrieval seemed to both simultaneously fly by as baby girl got bigger and dragged on as I was anxious to get the embryos made. Now that they are done, we are ready to hopefully have a transfer soon, soon being within the next 6 months or so. Before all this happened, I never would have thought we'd want another child so quickly and we'd plan to start trying again when baby girl was 18 months. In fact, after my c-section and before the hysterectomy, they told me we would need to wait at least 3 years for another so my J-incision could heal fully and I was totally on board with that at the time.  Baby girl is exactly 11 months today, and we're ready for her to have a sibling. Perhaps its because we have now invested so much in researching all of this or perhaps it's because we actually have embryos stored, or like I read somewhere "totsicles" waiting for us. So much of this seems like hurry up and wait, and I am just ready to get this show on the road. I know it has to be done in a certain order, and on a certain timeline, but frankly, I'm doing my best to remember the words of Herbert the Wise, even if it's a reminder I need daily. 

*The chorus is likely to be stuck in your head for the rest of the day 😉* 

Black Sheep

The other day someone mentioned that she had a dream that she was pregnant with twins. We were at dinner with friends and a bunch of the other ladies at the table (all that have multiple children) apparently collectively expressed that the thought was not a happy one to them. I was feeding baby girl and didn't overhear the conversation at the time and my friend ended up apologizing later for bringing it up at all, concerned that she had hurt my feelings. I assured her that I wasn't hurt or offended, and said I hadn't even overheard, but it did get me thinking about how I handle and respond to these sorts of things now.

There is no way for me to pretend if I am completely honest with myself that I am not envious of friends who can still bear children.  I stare at any woman who is pregnant in awe as it seems to truly be a miraculous event to me now, even more so than it was when I was pregnant with baby girl. That said, I am genuinely happy for all of my friends who are pregnant, who are trying to get pregnant, and who have recently had their children. The issue if I am totally honest that I struggle emotionally with the most is people who are having their second child or adding another sibling to their family. Most of my friends that are around the same age are currently trying for, pregnant with, or delivering their first child. I only have a few friends who are expanding their families at the moment. My friends who are delivering their first children don't quite hit that spot in my gut as much because I have been in their shoes before. My friends pregnant with siblings though - it is definitely bittersweet for me emotionally, and I grieve that I won't get to experience that or that we didn't have the choice to decide if we were going to be a one-child family, as another friend recently told me. This is something that I hope will heal with time, especially if we are able to give baby girl a sibling through surrogacy, but I honestly don't know if the wound will ever be fully closed.

Definitionally, we are dealing with secondary infertility. While our diagnosis is not a mystery as to why we are in this box, all the reproductive doctors have that phrase on my charts. Infertility is a horrible and painful experience, no matter when it happens, but I do think secondary infertility is sort of the black sheep of the infertility world. I have had a lot of people who have told us that we need to "just be grateful for the one that we have," or "so many women never get to have any children," or "God doesn't make mistakes and there is a plan." My personal favorite is "Why don't you just adopt?" as if there is some shelter with lots of kids we could just go bring one home from like a puppy.  I cannot put into words how grateful we are every day to be parents to baby girl, yet every time I am told something along those lines it's like being sucker-punched in the stomach. I can't help but feel guilty on one hand and at the same time, frustrated that people don't understand the grieving and trauma that comes from being in this place, especially not by choice.

When I was still in the hospital, after the DVT, I had to have a PIC line placed for the antibiotics they were going to send me home on. After the doctor placed the PIC line, I had to have an x-ray, to make sure that it was in the correct vein. The lady who came in to perform the x-ray asked me if there was any chance I could be pregnant. I burst into tears and explained that I had just had an emergency hysterectomy a week prior. I will never forget her telling me that "Well, you should be grateful you have the one. I could never have any children." I was immediately rocked with guilt and felt like I was being selfish for being upset that I had been through my own trauma and for wanting more children for my family.

This has been really hard. I have been hesitant to reach out to friends who had been through IVF to conceive their first child for fear of offending them since we didn't need help to get pregnant with baby girl. I have feared that even those in the surrogacy world would see us as selfish since we were already parents. I have been shocked at some of the conversations I have had to have even with some good friends who I know mean well but just don't know what to say. When I'm in a joking mood, I have shared with family and friends that hubby and I are getting the "full tour" of the reproductive world, as we have done everything from the old-fashioned way to the super-scientific breakthrough way. I think one reason we have chosen to be open about our story is so I can avoid the "When are you giving baby girl a sibling?" question. Through it all, I have known the Lamb was with us as we celebrated the joy of baby girl's birth, grieved the personal loss of my fertility, and gained hope through pursuing the journey of surrogacy, but it hasn't made the process any less painful or scary or even overwhelming.

For everyone reading this who has struggled with infertility, I grieve and stand with you. I know that even if you achieve your very much wanted children, whether by pregnancy or surrogacy or adoption, it never fully heals or erases the pain and struggle it took to get there. I stand with those of you who are childless, whether by choice or by circumstance. To those who have the family the size and way they desire, whatever that looks like, I stand and celebrate with you. For those pregnant or trying to be pregnant, I pray daily that you will have healthy and easy pregnancies and deliveries with healthy babies and a healthy momma. And for those dealing with secondary infertility specifically, I stand with you as another black sheep. Know that you're not alone and it is completely valid to not feel that your family is complete, no matter what anyone else says.

National "Sometimes it Really Stinks to be a Woman" Month

September is National Gynecologic Cancer Awareness month. It's also specifically National Ovarian Cancer Awareness month. I think it should be called National "Sometimes it Really Stinks to be a Woman" month. I am deeply grateful that I have not had cancer, but with the radical hysterectomy after my delivery, I got a big taste of what it is like to be one of the approximately 100,000 women annually diagnosed in the United States with gynecologic cancers and the treatment that usually is afforded for these diseases.

We spend a lot of time talking about breast cancer in this country. I have known breast cancer survivors and warriors who are still in the trenches and I am by no means trying to disqualify how bad breast cancer is and how important it is for us to fight it. Yet, I have also known people affected by gynecological cancers - specifically uterine, ovarian, and cervical cancer. These battles require just as an aggressive treatment plan, as well as almost always significantly invasive surgery, and unfortunately many have a higher mortality rate. The most common of all of these is uterine cancer and the most deadly is ovarian. And they are unfortunately known as "silent" cancers, both because of the symptoms they tend to present and because many women haven't heard about these types of cancer at all or the fact that one risk factor is just having a female reproductive system. Frankly we don't talk about them enough or the women and families affected by them.

If I have learned nothing else over the course of the last year, it is that we as women must speak up and talk to our doctors about what is happening in our bodies. And if they don't listen, keep talking and scream if you have to until they do. The scariest part of gynecologic cancers is so much of the time the symptoms can seem to be from normal and completely benign causes. I wouldn't have ever thought to call my doctor after a few days of pelvic soreness before all of this happened last year.  Yet, now with only having my one ovary, I monitor very closely if I am having any pain on the left side of my pelvis and report it immediately. Unfortunately because of how commonly symptoms seem benign, many women don't say anything until treatment options are less effective or unavailable. Women also tend to put our own health on the back burner to focus on everyone and everything else we are responsible for.

New diagnostic advances in ultrasound and genetic testing have made screening for gynecologic cancers more possible for earlier diagnoses and intervention, but early detection is key. Participating in regular annual exams with our OBs and gynos is incredibly important. Knowing and listening to our bodies, and trusting our gut if we have that "something is just not right" feeling, is essential.

September is also International Women's Friendship Month. I think we owe it to all of our female friends, and really all the women in our lives, to make ourselves aware of the risks, the ways of prevention, and warning signs of these devastating diseases. Knowledge is power, there is strength in numbers, and I hope that in my daughter's lifetime, these cancers will no longer be a cause for any concern!

For more information on gynecologic cancers, please visit http://www.cdc.gov/cancer/dcpc/resources/features/GynecologicCancers/

The 7 Year Itch

I have been thinking a lot lately about the movie The 7 Year Itch that features that famous Marilyn Monroe over the subway vent scene. Not to be a spoiler, but the basic premise is that a couple has been married for 7 years, and the wife and son leave the hot city to escape to the Hamptons for the summer. While they are away, the husband meets Marilyn and the comedy ensues. The big question becomes will he or won't he *wink wink* with Marilyn because he's dealing with "the 7 year itch".

This past weekend, my husband and I celebrated our 7th anniversary. It is hard for me to believe that 7 whole years have passed, with a decade officially being marked on the calendar this November since our first date. When we got married I had no idea of what our marriage together would look like other than I felt confident it would be filled with a lot of love, laughter, and the Pittsburgh Steelers. Together we have been blessed with the most beautiful 10 month old daughter. Last week she stood up by herself unassisted long enough for us to take some photos as well as took her first step. Every day I wake up and thank God that we get another day to spend with her and as her parents. She is truly our miracle and the greatest blessing we could have asked for.

I'm proud of our marriage even if it's not anywhere close to perfect. It's a marriage that has been built on a foundation of faith, grace and unconditional love through sometimes some very hard work. Marrying young, and at the time active duty military, it has faced fire and rain. The day we applied for our marriage certificate we had our will notarized too because he was deploying 6 weeks later for Iraq.  He is my best friend and one of the funniest people I have ever known, even though he is shy and introverted to almost everyone else but me. He also is completely devoted to his duty to serve. If there is ever someone in need of a helping hand, he is always the first to offer his time and energy. This was no better displayed than during my recovery from the delivery and hysterectomy. He was the epitome of tender, loving care to me and I am forever grateful to have such a supportive and compassionate partner. I also think I love him more this year then I ever have before because he is our daughter's Dada. That is a love I never anticipated to be so overwhelmingly beautiful. 

This year we are took our first overnight trip away from baby girl to celebrate, escaping to the Great Smokey Mountains. It was wonderful to spend quality alone time with each other to give thanks to God for all of the blessings (and even the trials) that we have walked through these past 7 years and for the beauty that is the life we've built together. The last day of the trip we took a very windy road home jokingly called "The Dragon's Tail" to indicate the level of driving difficulty. In 11 miles, there are 318 turns, some of them quite harrowing. When we got to the top of the mountain before we descended we got out to take a photo of the valley below. While the road might have been so twisted I felt like we were driving the Grand Prix, the picture perfect view gave me an idea: perhaps that is marriage. There are always twists and turns, sometimes your stomach jumps from it all, and there will be high points and low points, and even some stop signs. Some will be all uphill and sometimes you can take your foot off the pedal and just coast.  When you get a chance, pull off and savor the ride and the view. 

I definitely have a very different 7 year itch than the husband in that film.  It's started as the giant, flashing light to start our family right after our year 5 and it continues now to build the family we really hope for - to give baby girl a sibling or two. I'm ready to continue down the road and see where the pavement takes us next, sitting beside the best co-pilot I could have. No matter what it's going to be an adventure. Happy Anniversary, honey. I love you and baby girl more than you could ever know.